Thursday, July 2, 2009

1x01: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Ten teams from all around Asia compete in this first ever Amazing Race spinoff. They show various levels of ineptitude in Kuala Lumpur, and the worst of the bunch isn’t even eliminated. Which is good, because I hate losing eye candy early.

Note: I'm not going to pretend these recaps aren't being written soon after the Australian Survivor recaps. So if I make a reference you don't get, an explanation is probably in one of them. I've tried to match the basic format the TWoP TAR recaps took under Miss Alli, but... clearly, I'm not as skilled at this as she is.

Previously on The Little Show That Could: The Amazing Race was once a great show. Once, you could have normal, likable people like Nancy and Mary doing extraordinary things. And normal, detestable people like Wil and Flo doing extraordinary things too. Well, not so much in Flo's case, but whatever. Then, in the third season, the producers cast a pair of hot model/actors and a pair of overweight guys, both of whom were fairly popular. So, for season four, they decided to overload the cast with these two types of contestants, but forgot what made them lovable wasn't their body shape or occupation. It was horrible. And the show was almost cancelled. For season five, they got rid of the fat guys, mostly, but filled the vacancies with even MORE mactors. But there was a dwarf and an angry guy, so everybody watched. Next season? More mactors, and a lot of pent-up anger. Much of which was reserved for one woman named "Victoooooooooorriiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaa!" In the seventh season, they managed to finally get a cast mostly comprised of real people. But then they still managed to "stunt cast" with a POW, and Rob and Amber, and filled the show with menial chores, and the enjoyment level was the lowest ever. So, what would help the show become amazing again? Casting too many people to count or care about and barely leaving the United States at all? Glad you thought so. After that clusterfuck of bad ideas, they finally managed to avoid mactors almost entirely. But they replaced them with two buff male teams who we all knew from the beginning would be there at the end, and the tasks were either ridiculously physical or ridiculously luck-based. The results were as expected. It was at this point that the producers essentially gave up and decided to try and see if people in other countries could do better. A bunch of countries in central Europe couldn't even get enough people to apply. But in Asia, many more people liked the show enough to give it a go. And this is where our story picks up.

By "this", I of course mean "Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia". Which has a monorail of some sort. Three seconds in and already learning stuff about the world. Clearly, this is not Australian Survivor. Thank God. There's also a pretty mosque or temple or something. I'm sorry; I'm not an expert on religion. Hell, I sometimes wonder if we haven't experienced the second coming solely because Jesus doesn't want to see millions of people with crucifix necklaces.

Over a shot of the globe zooming in on the city, we hear that the host is at the Dataran Merdeka, also known as Independence Square. To my on-again-off-again boyfriend WhoreBoy's surprise, it is not Chairman Kaga, but Allan Wu. Who? From what I can gather (thanks, Wikipedia!), he worked for MTV Taiwan for a while, and was also once a contestant eliminated in the first round on Fear Factor. Well, those'll come in handy, I'm sure. WuWho reveals that he's in Kuala Lumpur, which comes as a surprise only to people who have never seen the Petronas Towers before, and who also could not identify Malaysia on a map. I suspect that was done solely for the benefit of Americans downloading this show.

Anyway, we find out that there are ten teams in this race, rather than the usual eleven. We also find out that they're racing for $100,000 American. WuWho says "U.S. Dollars" as though it's supposed to be a bribe to stop Asia from defecting to communism. Allan, the Soviet Union collapsed years ago. I was one year old. Now, I'm a second-year uni student. I can see you might have been confused, given that world banks are collapsing and a guy named Bush invaded Iraq with questionable reasons, but still. It's time to move on.

And so he does. As you may know if you've watched any version of this show to not visit Utah, each team is made up of two people, who have been asked to give off the impression that they knew and cared about each other before the race began. They are walking across a field to the start line, rather than being in the usual Token Local Vehicles. Let's meet them, shall we?

Today's first team is brought to you by the colour red, and is married couple Ernie and Jeena, representing the Philippines. They like to do a whole bunch of adventure sports together, and we see a clip of them bungy jumping. Hopefully, that's all we get for the season, because those "You Are Gravity's Bitch!" tasks annoy me. Jeena tells us that having kids who will probably miss them if they die will not stop them from risking their lives so often. Ernie thinks that they will watch the other teams, because it's important to "know thy enemy". And God spaketh to me, taking the form of Alex Krycek, and he said: "Thou shalt call them 'Journey'."

Zabrina and Joe Jer are not what you would expect from an all-female team on this show, given that they do not wear matching skimpy pink outfits. Which could bode well for them if the past is anything to go by. They're from Malaysia, and are coworkers. I like that their job isn't mentioned, because it means I don't have to come up with hundreds of clown/lawyer/entrepreneur lines. They say they know the race really well, and are hoping they fact they can work together without panicking will help them. In their interview, Joe Jer is much taller, but when they're in their footage, they're about the same size. Weird. Joe Jer says that they might lose because they're "not physically buffed". We see a shot of them pretending to model, and Joe Jer is -- I kid you not -- wearing her undies and bra over her normal clothes, wearing swimming goggles, and holding a tennis racket. I love her already. Zabrina says that they just want to do better than most average girl teams. It's not particularly impossible.

Mardy and Marsio are your token Funny Fat Guys, and they are here to show you that Indonesia isn't just filled up with terrorists, Muslim clerics, and politicians with funny names. The one I think will turn out to be Marsio says that he's the normal one, while his brother is the "spoiled brat" of the family. Marsio tells us that Mardy gets cranky if he doesn't get his own way. Mardy then tells us exactly the same thing about Marsio, and Marsio tells him to do it his way and there won't be problems. Heh. They're sort of like Mary and Peach, had the girls been about five years older and... not girls.

Filipinas Aubrey and Jacqueline would normally be your Pink team, but only one of them is wearing a pink tank top. I am briefly confused when the one in the blue top walking to the start is in the pink top in their pre-start interview, and vice versa. Aubrey (who sounds disturbingly like milk-bathing Aussie socialite Rose Porteous) tells us that they've known each other for five years. They like looking pretty so much that they are shown giving each other manicures in their footage. Rose Portable tells us they curl their hair just to go to the gym. I suspect they may have had some unfortunate incidents in a spin class before they adopted that stance. Jacqueline, our youngest racer this season, gets, like, three words in the entire clip. I can sum up the team in less than that. YOU'RE LOSING.

I begin to wonder whether Asia has any Craig-esque hot guys. Then Sandy turns up. Oh, boy. They're a dating couple representing Hong Kong, though neither is actually from Hong Kong. They are running on treadmills in a gym, and British Francesca tells us that they think they can win. Well, of course you do. I can't remember the last time I heard a team lead off with "I think we can finish middle of the pack for a couple of legs before missing a crucial flight and finishing five hours behind". Kiwi Sandy tells us that he's "the quiet one", over a clip of him doing push-ups while Francesca uses his back as a chair. He really is the strong, silent type. (*ba-doom, tish*) Francesca admits to being a planner, while Sandy thinks his weakness will be that he doesn't stop and think. Well, if Andrew and Dan can get to the finish line, I'm sure not thinking isn't an excuse any more. The editors try to confuse me by showing shirtless Sandy lifting weights (HOT), accompanied by him voicing over that he can't live without "shavers and moisturiser and eye cream" (NOT). I can see why you wouldn't want to turn into BJ or Tyler, but... moisturiser and eye cream? Seriously? There go my preconceptions about Maoris. Francesca is visibly trying not to laugh at him when he says the eye cream thing. Hee.

Though she is from Korea, Syeon and her boyfriend Andrew are representing Malaysia. Syeon also says she's going to win. Two teams in a competition trying to win? What are the odds? We see them doing what I assume is supposed to be dancing, but which really looks... nothing like it, especially from him. Andrew says that he'll be making the decisions rather than her. We see some home movie footage of her sitting on a toilet. Yes, really. She tells us that even though he's making the final decisions, he'll be doing it with her input. He just laughs. I get the feeling I will not like this team, and not just because Syeon seems even more princessy than Princess Jane.

Howard and Sahran (who WuWho names "Cirran", in what will be undoubtedly be the first of many WuWho pronunciation errors) are "best friends for ten years" from Sri Lanka, though I suspect that that may be a euphemism for "boyfriends for ten years". Howard in particular reminds me of Mr. Humphreys from Are You Being Served?. At some place called "Oggi", they walk up to a piano. Wow, that explains so much about their personality! Cirran, who actually is Sri Lankan (as opposed to British-born Howard) says he's "never been backpacking before". I'm actually impressed that he managed to identify that this show is about backpacking rather than the more Survivor-esque camping, given what others have said in the past, but he still should have had the sense to do at least SOME preparation for this. Howard says they "have a champagne taste on a beer budget". Luckily for you, readers, I do not feel like reliving the tasteless joke WhoreBoy made at this point. Cirran exposits that he has a list of phobias. Including, but not limited to, heights, deep water, public bathrooms, and not having anything to be immediately scared of.

From Singapore, Sharon and Melody are adorable. They are also this season's Pink Team, which depresses me a little, because it means that they're probably getting booted early, if past history is anything to go by. Sharon says she tends not to do things she doesn't have to do. Melody says Sharon keeps her levelheaded. She also tells us she's a Christian while Sharon is a Catholic. Isn't Catholicism a branch of Christianity? Whatever. She thinks that the only thing that can stop them from winning is God. Please. WuWho is not a deity. That I know of. Phil? Sure. WuWho? Not so much.

It wouldn't be an Amazing Race these days without annoying models. So here are Indians Sahil and Prashant, ready to ruin my recapping experience. The one I think is Prashant claims that the race is "great publicity". At least he's honest about why he's here. But he's still a tool. Sahil says that he's not here to further his own career, because he "can get enough exposure" on his own. Which means he's obviously thought about the exposure he'll be getting from this. He adds that "they're gonna think we're heroes, obviously". The jury is out on who "they" are. We see them pushing each other into a pool, because that's how lovable they want us to think they are. We also see a bunch of modelling shots, and it's hard not to notice that Prashant is only in one of the pictures. These two promise to "play clean". I think that may be our first ever Team Intro Foreshadowing.

Our final team is Andy and Laura, two whinging Poms representing Thailand. Laura expertly describes Andy the same way WhoreBoy and I felt about EmoHunk the first time we saw him: "Lust at first sight". And he talked to us anyway! ["Awww. If I ever decide to sleep with another guy, I'm coming to you two first." -- EmoHunk] Andy calls their relationship a seven-year one-night-stand. Hee. They both agree that if anything can go wrong on the race, it'll happen to them. I like these two already. And not just because I agree with Laura about Andy being cute.

WuWho asks who can deal with each other for 39,000 kilometres. He then asks who has the right combination of "brains, brawns [sic], and teamwork" to win. WuWho speaks really, really fast. Almost as though he himself is racing to finish the sentence before getting fired.

Credits! The cheesy head turns are here, too? Ewww. [BRIEOMP.]

WuWho gives the standard pre-"Go!" spiel about racing and tasks and eliminations and whatever. Thanks to these, EmoHunk is now convinced -- and I am not making this up -- that he can tell travel agents that he's on The Amazing Race, and therefore he does not need to pay for tickets. He might be hot, but he's as dumb as a rock. ["It's a valid point. Either break the fourth wall completely, or don't mention it in the episodes at all." -- EmoHunk] As WuWho speaks, a section of music the Television Without Pity fanbase has dubbed the Horns Of Perseverance tootles inappropriately. I do not see any perseverance yet. Unless it's there to show that Sandy has gone two minutes without using eye cream or moisturiser. We see a camera track past the team backpacks, and one team has matching sea blue bags. Somebody should tell that team they're probably not going to be racing through bushfire wreckage, so they can go ahead and pick normal colours whenever they want. WuWho mentions the money, and Zabrina laughs like it's a really funny joke. He gets halfway through the "good luck... travel safe..." bit, then realises he forgot to ask if everyone was ready. So he does. Just once, I would like a team to answer that question with "Wait, did you say this was some sort of a race?"


The teams run across the field to their bags. Sandy claps like an excited seal when Francesca opens their clue. The clue tells them to "shop till you drop". They need to get to the eighth level of the Berjaya Times Square shopping centre. Wait, heights and the word "drop"? I wonder what the task could possibly be! They have $50 for this leg, which is apparently not leaving Malaysia immediately, which is good both for Malaysian tourism and for keeping the teams on their feet. I approve. Howard also thinks this is fantastic. Foreshadowing!

The teams all run around in a series of very, very quick shots. Aside from Mardy, who is tying his shoes. It's great that the editors here trust us to grasp the significance of who's racing fast and who isn't, without adding neon lights, oompah-pah music, and a CGI sign saying "MOVE FASTER, IDIOTS!"

Zabrina and Joe Jer are the first to get into their taxi.

It turns out that Sandy and Francesca are the ones with the ridiculous blue bags. At least they match Sandy's eyes.

Syeon and Andrew discuss how they got a taxi. She confessionals they'll race first and worry about whatever shreds of their relationship are remaining when they get back home.

In Journey's cab, Jeena explains to Ernie that when they wait with other people for cabs, the others will jump ahead and leave them in the dust. True. I know I would. She confessionals that the race is "the ultimate challenge for any relationship". Did you hear that, Biggest Loser Australia producers? And dating teams who want to go on the show to see whether they're right for each other?

Prashant tries to hitchhike with a truck driver, but Sahil reminds him that they can't take lifts. Foreshadowing!

Without any explanation, Zabrina and Joe Jer are now shown getting into a second taxi. Sandy and Francesca and the models finally get cabs.

A whole bunch of teams look lost, and then suddenly get taxis. Andy wants his driver to go fast, but Brits it into sounding like he's asking the driver something completely different. Laura confessionals that living and working together has made them already develop roles within their relationship. I wonder which one of them gets the role of "panicky idiot" and which gets "chief nudist". Andy thinks nothing will damage them as a team. So, these are your standard arrogant Poms. I am going to enjoy making fun of these two.

Sandy says he thinks the race is "exciting", but does not showboat about his own thoughts. He and Francesca confessional that they don't fight often. How the hell did they slip through casting?

Howard and Cirran finally get into a taxi.

Sharon and Melody try to figure out what on earth the clue means. We do not get to hear the end of their discussion, because WuWho tells us that the first task of the race is -- wait for it -- an eight-storey free abseil. They don't have to do it, but they'll get a penalty if they don't. When both team members have finished, or they've served their penalty, they'll get the next clue. I'm glad they're getting the traditional First Leg Fear Of Heights Task out of the way now, rather than making it the last thing before the pit stop, because they're always first-come-first-served tasks, and I'd rather have a chance for the order to change itself up than know twenty minutes before the end of the episode how it's going to happen.

Rose Portable and Jacqueline are confused about which level of the shopping centre the task is on. Good point, even if it came from these two. Does the bottom floor count as the "ground floor" or as the "first floor"?

Howard explains that they think the shopping task will be enjoyable for them. Because they're GAY.

Sahil tells his cabbie to "punch it". WhoreBoy and I turn to each other and say in unison, "But then how will he model?"

Sandy and Francesca and Howard and Cirran meet up on the road, and both try to get their drivers to pass the other team. Of course, they're both waiting at a set of red lights, which means that if a driver actually tries, the team may be completing an unplanned RoadBlock for the rest of the race. Apparently, Howard and Cirran get out first, because now Journey is telling their driver to pass Sandy and Francesca. Sandy and Francesca get angry. At least, angry by their standards, which means "Saying Please Fewer Than Sixteen Times".

At the mall, Zabrina and Joe Jer get out of their cab and head in.

Rose Portable mentions that they have to do well in the mall, because "shopping is [their] specialty". I hope they're good at window-shopping. They arrive in second place.

In the elevator, Zabrina and Joe Jer are calmly excited. On the street, the Portable Posse is frantically trying to cross. Heh. Somehow, Andrew and Syeon have made it inside.

Zabrina and Joe Jer find the stunt whores... uh, I mean, "expert climbers". Zabrina voices over that the more you're underestimated, the less people will think about you as a serious threat. Um... that is the definition of being underestimated, yes. Also, they think they'll be underestimated. (Seriously, I should come up with a drinking game for this show. Someone thinks they'll be underestimated? One shot. Someone says they live somewhere, and then losing when the race goes there? One shot. Phil or WuWho in a Speedo? Drown yourself in your drink.)

Andrew and Syeon get to the eighth floor and start looking for the barely-hidden stunt set-up. The Portable Posse is next, and Jacqueline is already whining about how heavy her backpack is. They've been racing for probably only around an hour at the moment. If that. Like I said, these girls don't have a chance. Someone who does have a chance? The other team of girls, even though they're now discussing how they're scared of heights. The stunt guy tells them it's fine, because they're professionals. I hope he means they're professionals at this particular thing, because if I got halfway down and fell because he meant they were experts at speaking Norwegian, they'd have to spend some time cleaning up stunt guy carcasses.

Andy and Laura are still annoying their cab driver. Andy makes beeping noises. Journey asks their cabbie in broken English if it's best to take the taxi. Is there any situation in which he would say another form of transportation is better?

Howard and Cirran have arrived. So have the brothers. And Journey. And Sandy and Francesca. Everyone else runs inside, but Francesca has to tell her driver to open the boot. Guess where he's thinking about sticking his other boot?

Joe Jer is first to abseil. Her and Zabrina confessional about how when they looked down, the people were "quite small". Hee. We see a shot from what might be the eighth floor, and it does indeed appear that the people are quite small. Zabrina also says that they had to turn around to rappel, so that their faces bonked into the wall on the way down.

Andrew and Syeon arrive at the stunt gear. Boy, they were searching for a while.

Mardy and Marsio have made it to the lift without having a heart attack. Barely. Marsio confessionals about how they think physical stuff will be their weakness. No shit, Sherlock.

Up at the abseil, the Portable Posse shows up. Rose Portable says she'll be using her mind more than her beauty. The editors cut to her getting confused by what abseiling is. Nice. As if to mock her further, we now see Joe Jer flying down.

Sahil and Prashant decide to leave their cab. Howard and Cirran are still running to the mall. Andy and Laura have also finally bothered to turn up. Sandy and Francesca are also still running, but at least she knows which building they're running to.

After a bunch of quick running and abseiling shots, Howard and Cirran are the next team in the elevator. Howard confessionals that part of being on the race is facing challenges that they don't want to do. Cirran says he hopes he isn't caught on camera wetting his pants bungy jumping. Perhaps he should have gone bungy jumping without a camera crew, then. Do you get the feeling he may not like what he's about to see? Me, too. Let's watch! Right on cue, Cirran is petrified. He asks Howard if he's seen the big giant production crew. He also asks how he's expected to abseil eight floors -- which I think is actually the shortest rappel in race history not preceded by a climbing task -- and Howard unsurprisingly does not come up with any coping mechanisms. Cirran looks like he wants the cameras away from him so he can wet himself.

Commercials. A Mexican newspaper has distributed voodoo dolls to help their national soccer team defeat the Americans. Seriously. If anyone ever makes a voodoo doll of me, I want it to be anatomically correct. Because I ain't a eunuch, dammit!

Zabrina is almost finished rappelling. Good for her. But Cirran is still freaking out. Yawn. Zabrina makes it down and squeals. Ernie tells the stunt whore how they own a rock climbing gym. Which will undoubtedly help here, where there are not even any fake rocks to help you out on your way down.

Zabrina and Joe Jer read the next clue. They must take a taxi to a place called Kompleks Kraf Kuala Lumpur. WuWho repeats what they just said. Can the editors actually mute one discussion when you're cutting away to something else or having a voiceover, please? It's very annoying.

Jeena and Rose Portable cheer on their abseiling partners from the ground. Jacqueline confessionals that she kept looking at the stores on her way down. See, window-shopping. Told you they would.

Andrew worries about where Zabrina and Joe Jer are when he gets down, and Syeon tells him they left five minutes ago. I really get no signs of emotion from these two.

Mardy seems to think he can abseil in tandem with the stunt whore. Cirran is still crying. As Mardy goes over the edge, we see a disorienting shot from the eighth floor. The Portable Posse reads their clue in tandem.

In their taxi, Zabrina and Joe Jer exclaim how fun it was. They could not be any more adorable if they were carrying baskets of puppies and kittens. Well, maybe a little. Not much, though.

Marsio and Ernie rappel. As you may have noticed, in addition to being boring and uncultural, many fear-of-heights tasks do not make good snark fodder. This is one of them.

Can you believe that Cirran is STILL bitching? God, SHUT UP. It's only, like, eighty feet down. But it is their turn, so at least we can get this over and done with soon.

Sahil and Prashant rock up, and Sahil shows just how camera-aware he is by cheering at the camera. Ugh. Seriously, this is part of the reason I hated Jonathan Baker. Granted, most of that hatred was because of his winning personality, but this annoyed me too.

The gay guys and models put on their hard hats. Prashant makes a remark about how good Sahil looks. He's lying.

Howard tries to support Cirran, but sends him off the side of the building first anyway.

Sahil and Prashant bonk their heads together while they're wearing their helmets. Can't you just see how kee-razy and wacky they are?

...Yeah, neither can I.

Cirran gets all the way to the base of the stairway to nowhere before whining once again. Can this guy get any whinier? He confessionals about how the task "was such a major thing for [him] to have to overcome". Yawn. I don't watch this show for people overcoming fears; I watch it to learn about foreign cultures, and to see how people deal with them. And also for cheap laughs. At least he didn't say "journey". He also admits he expected to have to rappel at some point, which is much better than the usual "I just didn't know WHAT to expect!" we always get from people on reality shows. But he freaks out again on the ledge, so he can shut up.

Especially while we cut to my girls, arriving at the craft complex. Yay!

Journey is discussing how they met. They say it was while they were rock climbing. Ernie metaphorically tells us that "after a while we were climbing each other". Yeah, there's a "handholds and crevices" joke in here, and I'm not sure how to make it. But however it's supposed to come out, it's definitely Too Much Information.

The Portable Posse wants their driver to go faster.

Zabrina and Joe Jer read the clue. Seeing both of these female teams here has reminded me that we've only seen one short snippet of Sharon and Melody since they were introduced, yet we're getting Cirran and the models and Rose Portable shoved down our throats. But anyway.

The clue is the race's first Detour. As you may or may not know, depending on whether you started watching TAR during the Great And Stupid Task Description Cutbacks of TAR10, a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. WuWho walks up a brick path as he tells us this. It turns out that the tasks this time are Paint and Pot, and they're both "traditional Malaysian crafts" which teams must complete at the craft complex, which is essentially an outdoor art studio. Teams who choose Paint have to use a special wax pen thing to draw the outline of a batik flower pattern, and then paint it the appropriate colours. They have to do it well enough to please a judge. Teams who choose Pot will also have to please a judge, but they will be using a motorised kickwheel to make a clay pot. In either case, if you fuck it up, you've got to start over. Normally, I absolutely despise the "You'll Get Your Clue If This Random Person Says You're Good Enough, Even If You're Not" tasks, but having two of them at the same time helps get rid of some of the annoying parts of it. Well done, producers. Zabrina and Joe Jer pick Paint.

Cirran finally goes over the edge. Watch out for that STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! On the other line, Prashant is already down, and Sahil is halfway down. That's how slow Cirran is at this. Howard finally starts to provide some actual support. Cirran cries anyway, but less because of the height and more because his rope has become twisted. That I can tolerate, because I've been abseiling before (at a rock climbing gym like Journey own) and the same thing happened to me. Of course, when it happened to me, it was because I accidentally pushed off the wall too much and ended up flying into a person trying to climb up the wall clear on the other side of the gym. What can I say? I have strong legs. ["That was YOU?!" -- EmoHunk] Anyway, people start cheering for Cirran.

Sahil finishes and speaks into his helmet camera about how he beat his fear. Hurry up and get over yourself. Prashant wants a hug because he's proud of Sahil. Awww. Borderline homoeroticism in twenty minutes or your next show's free.

Cirran is slowly but surely making his way down the rope. Whee! [pause] Whee! [pause] Whee! [pause]...

Back at the Detour, where they're still the only team to show up, Zabrina explains that they chose the painting task because they knew pottery was "impossible". Hee hee hee. The judge lady looks on nervously as Zabrina says they can "fudge [the painting] a bit". Well, they are Malaysian. If there was any team here that knew how difficult "traditional Malaysian crafts" are, it would be them. And, again, I agree with them from pottery experience. (Hey, we were forced into doing Ceramics in Year 7! Worst three months of my life. And not just because the teacher's face looked like it had been left in the kiln for too long.)

The Super Marsio Bros. have successfully located a taxi outside the mall. Congratulations. In a pre-race team confessional, Marsio tells us that Mardy will be doing most of the physical tasks, while he does "most of the, uh, brainwork", before he smiles as though he just said the cutest thing. I'm not sure the entire race is one big RoadBlock, so let's see how far that gets you.

Andrew, Syeon, and Journey arrive at the painting place. Syeon calls their driver a rip-off. Pfft. You obviously haven't taken any trains in Melbourne. While Syeon is busy whining, Journey reaches the cluebox.

The Super Marsio Bros. tells their cabbie that everything is an emergency for them. And when you're as out of shape after leaving a mall as they were, everything probably actually IS an emergency.

Andrew and Syeon read the clue. They choose Paint, while Journey choose Pot, with Jeena having apparently decided that Ernie will be nearly useless whichever option they choose.

The Portable Posse arrives in fourth place, while Journey and Andrew/Syeon run off to their assorted demonstrations.

Jacqueline appears to have trouble reading the clue. Oh, they are SOOOO the Pink Team.

Ernie tells us that he saw the list of all the different steps for the painting task, so he figured that the pottery must be easier. He and Jeena start their pot.

Cirran finally finishes, and bursts into tears. At least he didn't burn into song. Sharon (welcome back to the episode!) hugs him and supports him. You know, what Howard should have been doing up the top. There's something a little off kilter about their relationship. Cirran says that he's happy he did it, but that there's a reason people invented elevators. Yeah, to play practical jokes on people. Howard is already done, and he says it was "amazing". Yes, that is the entire point of the show.

Journey suck at making pottery. Ernie asks Jeena whether they should watch the demo again, and Jeena thinks that's the stupidest idea in the history of ever. Well, aside from Wipeout Australia, that is.

Andrew and Syeon are painting, and Andrew is being bossy. You might as well get used to it.

The Super Marsio Bros. have arrived, and they head off towards an unknown option.

Journey's pot starts getting a little thin around one side, and Jeena thinks it's because she can't get the shape right. Yeah, that must be it.

Sharon yells out to Melody how great the shopping is while your hanging off a thin rope seven storeys up. Melody is going down slowly, but we next see Francesca literally sliding down the rope. Sandy cheers her on, as Laura begins. Melody and Francesca are shown reaching the bottom almost simultaneously. Andy begins. Sandy is about to begin, but his rope is tangled.

Zabrina and Joe Jer think they're done, and they sweetly ask the lady if they're good enough. Meanwhile, Journey fuck their pot up and have to start over. The girls do indeed get the next clue, which directs them to find a marked car (which won't be hard, given they're all lined up in the parking lot they passed on the way in), and drive themselves to City Karting Enterprise, near Shah Alam Stadium. As you may have figured out, it's a go-karting company. When they rock up, they each have to complete four laps of the circuit to get the next clue. You may notice that WuWho does not mention anything about the four laps having to be consecutive. Just, you know, for future reference.

The Super Marsio Bros. are doing the painting, but first they have to move the additional information sheet off of their example picture. Which would help a little.

Turns out Jeena actually does decide to go over and watch the pottery demonstration again. Apparently, being told she sucks more than a fluffer convention disagrees with her pot-spinning confidence. Or something.

The Portable Posse are doing the painting too, and are focusing on the blue bits. Rose Portable compares the batik to putting makeup on. Insert your own joke about all the art supply baskets being Pink here. At the same time, Andrew and Syeon are disagreeing about the colours of their painting. Mostly Syeon. Okay, entirely Syeon.

Ernie seems to think that pottery is an excuse to compare your wife to Harry Potter. But she doesn't have crappy glasses OR a disfiguring scar!

Marsio finishes outlining their flower, as Andrew and Syeon finish their entire picture. He asks if it's "boleh" (which I take it is Malay for "good" or "okay" or something like that), and it is. Journey is finished as well. They run off looking for the cars.

Howard and Cirran get a taxi. Sharon and Melody are already in theirs, and Sharon makes a bad joke about the "shop till you drop" part of the clue.

The models are pestering their taxi driver. Will wonders never cease?

Outside the mall, SanFran and Laura are racing for a cab they see, and Laura gets it. SanFran back away without a word. Huh? We would have spent five minutes watching the ensuing argument if this was the American version, and here we don't get a word. Wow. Also: Race, nimrods. Andy voices over exactly what just happened. I feel like I'm watching The Biggest Loser here. And that is not a good thing. SanFran laugh about being in last place. But they get a cab quickly.

Journey has finally found their car. Zabrina and Joe Jer appear to be just leaving, too. Ernie makes some remark about something being "the opposite way" but we can't see him, so I have no idea what he's talking about.

The Super Marsio Bros. and the Portable Posse finish their painting in fourth and fifth places, but not before Jacqueline tries to cute her way into getting the clue from the judge. Who is female. And wearing a Muslim veil. I don't think that'll work, dummy.

Speaking of dummies, Sahil and Prashant arrive at the Detour. They also try the painting. Sahil confessionals that he's "more organised" than Prashant, but at the same time, he's also "more hasty". Is that even possible?

Hey, look, it's those big-ass Petronas Towers! I wonder if "Eye-an" is still there, hassling locals to take his picture.

In their cab, Howard bitches that Cirran's freakout has made them fall behind. Andy promises his driver an entire ringgit as a tip for going fast. What incentive! I know Malaysia's not exactly a rich country (from what I've heard, everything above the 14th floor in said Petronas Towers is empty because the economy can't sustain itself), but even so, that's pathetic. At least make it five or so.

The Portable Posse agrees to follow the model's cabbie. It looks like the Super Marsio Bros. do too.

Sharon and Melody reach the Detour. Mardy dumps his bag in the boot. Jacqueline thinks you can make a car go faster by lifting up its bonnet and slamming it back down. Andrew figures that because he and Syeon live in Malaysia, they'll win the leg. He seems to have ignored the fact that there's another Malaysian team, who has been ahead of them since the very beginning.

Journey thinks about stopping for directions. And then they have to stop anyway, because they accidentally hit another car with their side mirror. It appears that Zabrina and Joe Jer see what happens, but they could just be watching anything else happening. It wouldn't surprise me. Jeena apologises for damaging the other guy's car, and Ernie explains why he's such a bad driver. Other Guy points out -- quite correctly, I might add -- that sorry isn't going to help fix his car. Ernie thinks he's going to jail. Oops.

Commercials. Raceguy's Celebrity Hunk Of The Week this week is Brandon Flowers. Fuck or pass?

When we return from the commercials, Ernie tries to blame his own incompetence on being used to sitting on the other side of the vehicle when driving. And if he drives closely enough to other cars back home that this wouldn't seem unusual to him, I am never driving in the Philippines. Jeena pressures him to let her take over the driving, which makes sense, but Ernie thinks all that he needed to do was fix the mirror. And crash into a car. I'm really... not enjoying Ernie.

SanFran think they're coming closer to not being in last. And Andy and Laura are lost, which will undoubtedly help them even more. It looks as though SanFran pass Andy and Laura somewhere along here, but we never see it. Sigh. Andy pesters his driver some more.

The Super Marsio Bros. meet up with the taxi they're following.

The idiot models are preparing to start painting, and we see that they ask the judge lady so many stupid questions ("Is that a ladel [sic]?") that she has to actually point them to the demonstration they were supposed to watch before starting. The same one Sharon and Melody are now watching.

Fran thinks she's good enough at batik that she and San should do the painting. Howard and Cirran have also arrived.

Prashant seems shocked that people were able to catch up to them. Tool.

Andy and Laura are in their taxi, which has now done a full lap of Kuala Lumpur and taken them back to the mall. Andy points out that it was because of this bad luck that seems to keep following them. Hey, you know what helps you get rid of bad luck? NOT FOCUSING ON IT.

Andrew thinks the other teams are all going to need a map to get around the city, while they can save their money. Meanwhile, the Super Marsio Bros. explain that because they didn't have a map, they got a taxi to lead them around. Unlike the Portable Posse, they at least seem to understand that cab drivers need to be paid. Aubrey considers going to first base with the driver in lieu of actual payment.

The Super Marsio Bros. have found the Indonesian embassy. Zabrina and Joe Jer have found the Super Marsio Bros. Now if only either team could find where they're actually supposed to be going. Zabrina seems shocked to see them, but still vows to beat them. Heh.

As those two teams drive under a cool archway, we head back to the Detour, where Team Idiot have spilled their wax, and think peeling it off will be okay. San correctly tries to match the colours on their picture with the colours in the example, but Fran claims that "this is not an art class". No, it's not an art class, but you can still fail, so at least try to do what you're told, Fran. Howard says it's a long time since he's "done anything like this". Really? It seems to fit into the whole "unambiguously gay stereotypes" thing they've got going on. Cirran tells him how and where to paint. Team Idiot laughs as they paint.

The Super Marsio Bros. have found a radio station playing techno music, and Marsio is dancing as well as you can when you're driving and in a seat belt. So, not well at all, but still better than Andrew. Jacqueline tries -- and fails -- to look adorable by applying Rose Portable's makeup while she's driving.

Sharon gets the judge to check their work. At Team Idiot's table, Sahil proves he's the brain of the team (which is not exactly a glowing endorsement) when he tells Prashant off for not copying the example image. Prashant voices over that Team Idiot is "not overly smart". Sahil says they'll "probably have to do this whole thing again". But Sharon and Melody won't, because they get the next clue. Sucks to be you, Team Idiot. SanFran are told that they must do another painting, because Fran's idea of using different colours was wrong. Fran says she "didn't even realise" that she had to copy the example, which is ridiculous because it must have been in the clue. Plus, San told her so. Team Idiot must also start again, with the judge noticing their wax spill. She does not point out that they didn't match the colours at all.

Andy and Laura get fed up and ditch their taxi.

Sahil seems confused when he's told that he'll have to do it again, and Prashant sighs as though he's thinking, "But we're the most AWESOME team in the history of EVER! How DARE she do this to US!" As Andy and Laura finally arrive, SanFran realises that there was some additional information they had that they didn't read. I'm impressed they managed to get as far as they did without reading. Not that people not reading clues on this show should surprise me. Howard and Cirran finish in seventh place. Just like eight of the other nine teams, Andy and Laura choose to paint. SanFran quickly make a second painting correctly and get the next clue. Francesca wants to get a map. Smart girl. Well, when she's not painting, that is.

Andrew and Syeon get close to the stadium. Zabrina and Joe Jer have apparently moved fast, because now they've found Andrew and Syeon. Stalkers!

Howard and Cirran prepare to leave, but Howard is shocked and confused when the rental car is an automatic, and therefore doesn't have a clutch or a gearstick.

Team Idiot continues painting, while Andy and Laura bitch about their cabbie. Right around now, I wonder whether he actually got his meagre tip.

Howard is still having trouble with the car. You know, I'm really not sure whether to point out that that's a nice change from the usual idiots who get confused by manual cars, or whether he's an idiot for not assuming there would be an automatic car for them to drive at some point in the race. I am so confuzzled.

Andy and Laura are arguing about whether their paints are all black. Laura correctly points out that the jars are labelled, just in case Andy can't read or something. Team Idiot finally stops fucking around for long enough to do the painting right. They get the next clue, mugging for the camera the entire time.

Sharon and Melody are driving. They appear to have the right game plan: Let the driver drive, and the navigator navigate. You'd be amazed how many teams fuck this up. Melody points out she can see the stadium in the distance.

And that's our cue to cut to Zabrina, waving to Andrew and Syeon as she passes them. Hee hee hee. Andrew and Syeon seem to have this whole "We're from Malaysia, so we're guaranteed to win this leg" vibe going on that I really don't like. This time, it takes the form of whining that they might be speeding. Pfft. Anyway, they arrive at the stadium.

We do not, however, because we get the displeasure of going all the way back to Team Idiot, who are proving just how appropriate their nickname is, having lost their bags. The camera turns around to show the bags, and it looks like they figure it out from this. It's about time someone realised a camera aimed away from them is probably being pointed at whatever they're missing.

Andy and Laura finish. Andy thinks his painting will be sold for lots of money. Yeah, not so much.

SanFran are confused about directions. Wrong lane, wrong direction, and wrong show for you guys to apply for.

Cirran gets out of his car and annoys locals until they give him directions to the stadium. Back in the car, he takes the time to mock them, before getting pissed that Howard didn't listen to his impersonation for long enough to understand the difference between "straight" and "left". ["Well, it's not like Howard's an expert on the whole concept of "straight"." -- WhoreBoy]

Team Idiot and Andy and Laura are only now leaving the Detour. But that doesn't matter, because we're finally at the carting place, where the two Malaysian teams and the Super Marsio Bros. have arrived. For some reason, we see the Super Marsio Bros. get their third place graphic before the girls get their second place one. I thought two came before three. Huh. Anyway, they all read the clue telling us what Allan told us a while back, but this time adding in the consecutive lap gimmick. Everybody suits up out on the track. You know, there are places to get changed, and there are places not to get changed, and I would have thought pit lane on a go-kart track would have fit firmly into the latter category. But what do I know?

SanFran are still lost. So are Andy and Laura. And Team Idiot. Surprisingly, Sahil -- the one without the thick, telemarketer-stereotype accent -- goes into a petrol station to ask for directions. Who would have guessed they had it in them to make a smart decision?

The Portable Posse is doing well, arriving at the stadium. Jacqueline only now realises that they're "gonna go karting". Wasn't the carting place specifically mentioned in the clue? Shut up, Jacqueline. Rose Portable tries to pay her cabbie with a kiss. Yeah, that doesn't feed his family, does it? They confessional that they're trying to use "their charms" to help them in the race. Has using sex appeal EVER been a successful strategy on the race? Especially for a team like you who... really don't have that much of it to begin with?

Syeon and Joe Jer start their race, while Marsio has trouble with his gear and with the seat. Oh, quit whining and beat Andrew for me. Andrew and Zabrina see someone coming around quickly, and Andrew assumes it's Syeon. Then she spins out, and Zabrina corrects him. Burn! And, hee. Zabrina looks excited. Marsio almost tips the car over going around a corner. At least, that's what it looks like.

The Portable Posse pretends to be surprised to learn that they have to drive around the track. Apparently, they thought they were going to be eating orangutan testicles.

Joe Jer comes in to switch with Zabrina, but she's only done three laps. No clue for you! So she has to start all over again. On the bright side, at least she knows how to get around the course quickly. Joe Jer confessionals that she thought she only had to do one extra lap, rather than an entire four more, so she lost even more time. As Joe Jer heads off to do it right this time, Zabrina looks as though she's about to cry.

Commercials. Dear Angelina Jolie: if you didn’t keep adopting kids, that lady with the octuplets wouldn’t freak you out so much. Also, try not to adopt me, because I would probably... well, let's just say I'd be the adopted Korean daughter to Brad's Woody Allen. [That sound you just heard, after you said ‘Brad’s woody’? WhoreBoy having a spontaneous orgasm." -- EmoHunk] ["Jealous?" -- WhoreBoy]

We return to the karting joint, where Zabrina reexplains what we saw before the commercial break. Helpful! Joe Jer looks like she's having the time of her life. Journey arrives in fifth place. Wow, that crash cost them some time. They suit up, as does Jacqueline. Rose Portable orders her to fix her hair before she puts on her helmet. How could that possibly help? Either you'll get a bad case of hat hair, or your hair will be blown by the wind, and in both cases you've got to fix it again afterwards. Of course, Jacqueline actually takes her helmet off to do it. ["Are you sure you named the right team Team Idiot?" -- WhoreBoy]

Meanwhile, Joe Jer completes yet another lap. Jacqueline and Ernie finally start.

And now, for your watching pleasure, a Montage Of Lost Teams. Andy and Laura are lost, and are blaming their bad luck. Might it be that you're just incompetent? Howard and Cirran are also lost, and they are at least managing to blame themselves. And the road system. SanFran are also lost, and San points out that they could conceivably be driving back towards Hong Kong. And guess what? The one team not thinking they're lost is Team Idiot. It remains to be seen whether that's because they're the one team actually on the right track, or because they're too stupid to realise they're not.

Back at the track, someone spins out. In a completely unrelated on-the-spot confessional, Marsio tells us that he "almost cried" because he's "never had so much fun in [his] life." Jacqueline also spins out. Well, she's already ditzy, she might as well add dizzy to her persona. Rose Portable makes like an angry Italian mama.

Andrew and Syeon are apparently finished with their laps, despite neither of them actually being shown doing the task. You know, it's one thing to skip a team in the middle of the pack (hi, Sharon and Melody!), but it's another thing entirely to ignore the team in first place. Sigh.

Zabrina is proud of Joe Jer, who is now helping her put her helmet on.

Andrew reads the clue. It tells them to "drive to the Pit Stop". The on-screen graphics tell us that said Pit Stop is at the Menara Kuala Lumpur, which WuWho calls "breathtaking". He also tells us that to get there, teams must drive to the Bukit Nanas Forest Reserve, and take a confusing set of hiking trails to the tower. This makes no sense to me. If you're going to have trail hiking as a task, at least don't tell them to "drive to the Pit Stop" when you don't intend for them to actually do that. Either clearly tell them to drive to the forest and then walk along the path to the Pit Stop; or clearly tell them to drive to the tower. Don't do both. (Although, this is their first time. I will cut them a little slack for it at least being an interesting idea.) Anyway, the last team to check in may be eliminated. In the event of a tie, whoever gives WuWho the best blowjob gets to stay.

In their car, Andrew and Syeon gloat about how they can count up to four on their own. Back at the track, Joe Jer is mocking herself. See, that's funny. To recap: Making fun of yourself? Funny. Making fun of others? Not funny. And, yes, I do realise the irony in me saying that.

The Super Marsio Bros. finish in second.

Sharon and Melody find the flag for the stadium. Nice to see where they got to.

SanFran are asking for directions. Both of them get out, which also makes no sense to me. It's not like the streets of Kuala Lumpur are painted to match this road map they have. On a purely shallow note, San's tank top is so tiny and revealing that I just have this weird urge to lick his chest. Screw my credibility. ["Credibility? YOU?!" -- EmoHunk] Fran makes a comment to the guy she's talking to that they "don't know the way to anywhere". Well, take a left turn at sanity, then.

Sharon and Melody have arrived at the track in seventh place, according to the graphics. But aren't they in 6th? SanFran, Andy and Laura, Howard and Cirran, and Team Idiot all haven't shown up yet?

Meanwhile, Jeena gets in her kart after Ernie finishes, and she tells us she's "competed in car... circuit car racing before", and that "this is going to be a breeze". I'm sure it would be, if this was actually circuit car racing.

Jacqueline makes a shocked face when she learns from Joe Jer that she and Rose Portable are in fourth place. Weren't Andrew and Syeon still there when they arrived? I'm getting the feeling that she's a few aliens short of an X-File, if you know what I mean. Mardy and Marsio get back in their car. Jacqueline continues to be confused by the basic concept of When Other Teams Are Ahead Of You, You're Not In The Lead. There is some kart driving, and Rose Portable is done. Predictably, she asks how her hair is. Sharon and Melody suit up as the Portable Posse read their clue. Journey also reads their clue.

At the world's coolest-looking tollbooth, Team Idiot gets directions. At what may or may not be the same place, Andy blames his and Laura's idiocy on being foreigners. Yeah, that must be it.

Howard and Cirran are not at the tollbooth, but they too have about as much map-reading ability as my dad. Who, unfortunately, thinks it's a great idea to check his maps every five minutes, even when he's in the middle of driving down a windy mountain road. Is it really any wonder I take public transport? Anyway, Howard doesn't want to be the first team eliminated.

Team Idiot has found a sign leading to the stadium. Damn.

Rose Portable demands that her Posse and Journey follow the same taxi and split the fare. Aside from the fact that it sort of makes a mockery of the entire concept of the map reading part on which this leg is so clearly reliant, she's really rude about the way she "asks". Rose Portable is on The List. Rose Portable explains that they only did it because they're from the same country. So she's saying she wouldn't be nice to them if they were from somewhere else? Aaaaand it's yet another in the long line of Raceguy's Reasons Not To Drive In The Philippines.

Andy and Laura rip their karting clue in sixth place. Or seventh. But whatever.

Zabrina and Joe Jer leave in fifth. That's got to suck. Zabrina voices over that they understand that "things are going to go wrong." Good for them, not getting all personal about everything.

More karting. Howard and Cirran arrive, convinced they're in last.

Andrew and Syeon propose calling the Super Marsio Bros. "M&M". Motion denied, bitches. Syeon provides what feels like an extremely fake, Biggest Loser-style sounding spiel about how you shouldn't underestimate the Super Marsio Bros. Yeah, once more, this time with feeling.

The Super Marsio Bros. get a taxi to lead them. Marsio (I think) voices over that "the Malaysians are great". Awww. And with that, they're now one of my favourite teams.

Going from the sublime to the ridiculous, Prashant fiddles with his hair as Sahil gets directions. Team Idiot soon finds the big tyre thingy which I guess is supposed to be like the gate or something.

Howard and Cirran find the cluebox, in eighth place.

Sharon tries to make small talk about Andy wanting to be a Formula 1 driver "in his dreams" with Laura, who does not seem particularly interested. Laura is also on The List. It's the first day, lady. Don't get antisocial this early. At least not until the others have all decided you're not worth talking to.

Almost immediately, Sharon and Melody are finished, and get the clue. Cirran complains that his costume is "very tight". So many jokes, so little time.

Team Idiot are flummoxed by there not being many clues left, apparently unaware that being one of the last teams to get to the Detour, plus fucking it up and having to start again, plus getting seriously lost, will not help you get into the lead.

Andy kisses Laura as they switch out. Meanwhile, Team Idiot argues over who gets to go first. Before you idiots decide, it might help to actually put on the right clothes.

Sharon and Melody gets direction from a helpful local. Or not.

The Super Marsio Bros. have arrived at the park, and are now getting ready to run. But first, Marsio checks to make sure the car is locked.

SanFran. Fran is confused about the lack of signs in the middle of a roundabout. Or something.

Andrew and Syeon are driving somewhere, and Andrew asks if they're going to "reach there first". Syeon obediently agrees.

The Super Marsio Bros. are hiking, as Melody provides her own in-car confessional about how she shouldn't have underestimated them. At least hers sounds sincere, SYEON. The brothers find a monkey and take the time to talk to it. That's nice and all, but hurry up and beat Andrew.

Laura finishes, glad she's light enough to have overlapped someone.

Mardy gets directions from some local girls at what I think is a school. Andrew and Syeon park and learn that someone else has already shown up. Back in the park, Mardy asks if there's an elevator. In the park. You know, stupidity's no excuse, but sometimes it is.

Team Idiot switches out. So do Howard and Cirran, with Cirran providing this week's Valuable Race Lesson, which is that you don't drive fast without accelerating. Genius.

Andrew and Syeon meet up with the Super Marsio Bros. in the jungle. Stupid monkey. Mardy voices over that these two are their biggest threat, because they're fit and small (as opposed to the other eight teams of gigantic blobs). Syeon patronisingly mentions how fast the Super Marsio Bros. are. Shut up, Syeon.

SanFran are STILL trying to find the stadium. Guess who's not winning this leg?

In their car, Zabrina realises that two teams are following them. The editing makes it seem as though it's Journey and the Portable Posse following, which makes sense. Ernie correctly points out that if they get separated, the Portable Posse won't wait for them.

The Super Marsio Bros. have apparently lost Andrew and Syeon. Good. Marsio has to bet two beers on the clue specifying how to get through the jungle without being eaten by rabid monkeys.

Andrew and Syeon are now out of the park, with Syeon wondering if they've missed a sign.

Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive and tear off. So do the Portable Posse and Journey. Ernie yells something in Tagalog, and you're kidding yourself if I can even understand it, let alone translate for you. Hell, I barely understand English half the time.

Andy and Laura are driving. Andy thinks honking will help them make a turn-off. Insert your own "isn't he already turning you off enough?" joke there.

Cirran calls the karting "fun". Can we attach a go-kart to an abseiling rope in that mall, just for shits and giggles? Team Idiot finishes, as Sahil berates Prashant for being passed.

Journey and the Portable Posse are running, and they run straight into a lost and confused Zabrina and Joe Jer. Way to ruin a perfectly good three-second lead, girls.

Howard and Cirran are given their Pit Stop clue.

SanFran are hoping people are as lost as they are, or "more so". Is that even possible? I mean, you guys thought you were driving to freaking Hong Kong.

The Super Marsio Bros. see the tower. Andrew and Syeon take an escalator into it.

Sandy and Francesca FINALLY get to the damn track.

Zabrina and Joe Jer sit down for a second, as Zabrina tries to get Joe Jer to reread the clue. The other two teams with them keep walking.

Sharon and Melody begin looking for the marked car park at the forest. The three lost teams finally figure out which way they're supposed to go. Inside the tower itself, Andrew, Syeon, and the Super Marsio Bros. are waiting for a lift. All that walking, and it comes down to who can run around the top of a tower first? Lame.

Joe Jer calls herself "so physically unfit" as she and Zabrina walk up the hill to the tower. Hee.

In the elevator, Mardy and Marsio try to tell Andrew and Syeon that they didn't walk to the tower properly. Syeon says she thought they were lying. Which I could understand, sort of. I mean, they parked in the right place, they walked through the forest, and they got to the tower. But I still don't like them.

WuWho and the greeter stare off into the abyss.

The Portable Posse is lost.

The elevator arrives on the right floor, and everyone runs to the mat, where WuWho and the greeter are still waiting. I love how all that's protecting them from falling off the edge of the tower is, like, that rope they use for, like, museum exhibits. Andrew and Syeon get to the mat first, because Mardy is slow. WuWho lets them celebrate in slow motion for a second.

Commercials. Dear Kelly and Jon: I do not want a cheese grater for my feet. Please quit trying to sell one to me.

WuWho reminds Andrew and Syeon of what he just told them, as we get some nice stock shots of the tower and of Kuala Lumpur. Andrew is shocked that he's not as perfect as his self-satisfied self seems to think. He and Syeon run back to un-fuck up.

So, with that, Welcome, Super Marsio Bros., you are Team Number One!

Team Idiot is asking for directions. Sharon and Melody begin running through the park. Syeon rereads the clue. The three teams Formerly Known As Lost have found where they're supposed to be walking.

Welcome, Journey, you are Team Number Two! And please quit screaming like you're on Schoolies Week. Welcome, Zabrina and Joe Jer, you are Team Number Three! Nice comeback. Welcome, Portable Posse, you are Team Number Four! Rose Portable, stop obsessing about looking good for the cameras.

SanFran are done with the go-karts. About damn time.

Andy and Laura make a really crappy attempt at parking as they run off for the tower.

Team Idiot talk about how tough the race is, as Prashant fixes his hair again. He should soooo sleep with Rose Portable. And they could have bald babies and buy them wigs and... right, the recap.

Sharon and Melody and Andrew and Syeon race through the park.

SanFran comes across a blocked road. Of course they do.

There are teams running in the park, much as there has been for the last ten minutes or so. Andrew whines about not being in first anymore. Hey, you know what might help you not slide further down? Moving. Andy and Laura argue. Team Idiot arrives at that same school-or-whatever that the Super Marsio Bros. got directions at, and they ask if they're in the forest. As you do when there are literally ZERO trees in sight. Andy and Laura are still arguing.

Welcome back, Andrew and Syeon, you're Team Number Five. More than you probably deserve.

Team Idiot continues walking, and Sahil sounds vaguely Aussie for a second. Eep.

Welcome, Sharon and Melody, you're Team Number Six! Welcome, Andy and Laura, you're Team Number Seven. Welcome, Team Idiot, you're Team Number Eight.

The two teams left are so far behind they haven't even gotten to the confusing running part yet. Howard and Cirran find a local to come with them. Ugh. Choose a strategy we've already seen too much of, and stick with it.

Howard and Cirran arrive at the park, while SanFran soon follow on their own. Howard wants to know how come there are no go-karts around. Heh.

Both teams run through the jungle. Howard and Cirran are very self-defeatist, while SanFran seems to be having fun. Howard compares the hiking track to life. I'd compare it to purgatory, myself. SanFran soon arrive at the same school-of-whatever that the Super Marsio Bros. and Team Idiot got to.

Welcome, Howard and Cirran, you're Team Number Nine. They are shocked, and thought they were last. Really? I hadn't noticed.

But SanFran are in last place, and the sun is setting. Welcome. But not goodbye, because this is not an elimination point. ["WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" -- WhoreBoy] They also lose all their money, and won't get any at the start of the next leg. But you do get to keep your luggage. San confessionals that they need a strategy, preferably one involving navigation. Well, no shit. Fran tells us they're happy to have finished last in a non-elimination, because now they know they suck.

Executive Producer? Michael McKay. Map graphics? Tim Costello. ["Really? The World Vision guy?" -- EmoHunk] Pit Stop hotel? The Regent Hotel, Kuala Lumpur.

Next week: There's a taxi race, and Joe Jer's claws are out. I hope she scratches one of the teams I don't like. There are big snakes, and not in the "Hey, Andy's Getting Naked!" kind of way, which sort of disappoints me. In place of getting naked, Andy wears a funny hat. Almost as good.

1 comment:

  1. Credits! The cheesy head turns are here, too? Ewww.

    OK, I'll admit that the SanFran headturn, with fixed smile and simultaneous running on treadmill kept me giggling through the start of every single episode. That was seriously funny.